Diary Page 11/20

Where is my mind

I think my narcissistic abuse experience has always left me with an impermanent sense of self. Instead of developing a sense of self and identity and taste and relationship with the parts of me I developed how I was allowed to, I developed along the path of least resistance.

If a child is hit when it laughs it learns not to.
Hitting doesn’t have to be ‘hitting’.

Pain and fear can be bestowed and behavior manipulated by failing to provide for needs. A parent who fails to nutritionally feed their child nutritionally starves them, a parent who fails to feed them the emotional support to develop into a healthy human emotionally starves them. A child can learn they don’t get held if they cry, or worse they can learn crying hurts their parents and cause their parents to hurt the child, or worse.. the child is empathetic and sensitive enough to notice and feel responsible for the parent’s immature development and learn to not cry just because it makes the parent sad. A sensitive child can notice that having needs stresses the parent out and so learns to automatically hide needs and feel shame for even having them. If the parent is emotionally oblivious and the child is emotionally aware then the parent might not have a clue it even happened. the child, being new and having no frame of reference for anything, learns without-question what they experience. If they learn love is pain then to them, love will be pain. If they learn love is safe, they will learn to only accept safe love.

I needed the safety to develop a sense of self, but adults around me needed to control me, needed comfort from me, and were unable or unwilling to provide that safety. My teachers needed to not be asked questions they couldn’t answer, parents needed to me to just shut up so they could do _______, my development was not the priority. My obedience was.

So I learned to Obey.

I learned that a consistent sense of self was a luxury I could not afford.

I could not build confidence and desires and instincts.
All of which would require a sense of self and all would conflict with the narratives and needs of far more powerful adults.

I learned that love was deeply painful and said nice things.

I learned love hurt and required my annihilation.

Why would my mother learn to be soft if it is my fault for being sensitive.

Why would my father learn to connect if I was wrong to need connection.

Why would teachers and politicians need to answer difficult questions if I’m wrong for asking them.

I learned I was inherently wrong and embracing that was less painful than fighting it.

I don’t really even know if I was truly born neurodivergent or if I was born neurotypical and had traumatic rewiring from CPTSD. I believe I was born neurodivergent and had CPTSD layered on top, but I can’t know that without more resources than I’ll likely ever have to dedicate to the question.

Either way, I am now neuro divergent and present with severe burnout and narcissistic abuse such that I don’t feel capable of discerning safety in my own life.

I can’t make plans because I don’t have the experience of being the same person for extended periods of time. My sense of self has learned to self-annihilate and conform.

Coaxing myself into existence may be the cruelest thing I’ve felt.

I don’t trust my own observation and interpretations and treat my life like art critique and an investigation, trying to figure out who actually wants to hurt me and who actually wants to help me. I’m not good at it, but.. I’m trying to get better.

I’m trying to use every scrap of spare effort I have to improve me.
I hope I might one day have the spare effort to truly help others.

Dear diary,

Today I wrote something in blood and gave myself the safety to let it be true.

Thanks for reading.

Love, Robin